Inspirational · Parents · Reality.

SHE 

For she wept bitterly

When she heard she was gone

Her mother

Her provider and protector

Suddenly started to smile

“it’s only but a dream” she said

Because I know it is

She would return soon

One day, it was dawned on her

It was no longer a dreamer

Her reality was her fear

Her hope was gone

In the midst of sadness

She must rise and be strong

To strive

And to keep moving

But I fear for her

She seeks solace

In the wrongs

In the wrong way

Will no one speak to her

For I pray for her

That her pain

Wouldn’t led to her mistake

I need her to know

We have  all lost someone we love

We only need to let go

And do things

They would’ve been proud of. 

This poem is for all those who lost their mother and loved ones… Always know that there’s more to life and God will always be your strength…. 


This poem was written by me.. I hope it speaks to the right person in the right way. 

It’s all about you……………  Never forget that 

Inspirational · Parents · Relationship

SO AM MARRIED WHAT NEXT? 

It’s yet another Saturday…. A day a lot of people are getting married. For some, this is the happiest day of their lives and can’t wait to begin the new chapter of their lives. While for some, this is the beginning of losing themselves. 

Marriage is supposed be a beautiful thing. The next phase of life most women pray day and night for. “After marriage what next”. My boss and I were talking and she said something “the way Nigerian women as an achievement, it scares her”. According to her, she got married at the age of 19 and she asked her self this question “what next?”. In the name of getting married, a lot of women lose their identity. You forget the woman you were. The women who had dreams and aspirations. Don’t get me wrong, I know marriage is all about sacrifice and indulgence. But that doesn’t mean you become another person entirely. 

“A lot of women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what’s important to them and what makes them happy just because they happen to be in a relationship/marriage”. 

A lot of women you see who had successful careers, suddenly quit and become stay home wife/mother,and when you ask them their reason “my husband asked me to. He says he wants me to focus on the family”. I really find it funny. Well most men give their wives the option of going into business while others don’t. Forgetting that your only increasing the burden on yourself as well as making your wife “useless”. 

WHAT EXACTLY DOES IT MEAN TO LOSE YOURSELF? 

“Losing yourself also means losing some very important things like perspective and feelings of self-worth—all of which you need to have intact to see anything clearly. So, no, you probably won’t see it if you’re losingyourself in a relationship”. 

A lot of people think that the process of losing oneself in a relationship is very obvious—that it always involves things like dressing exactly like the partner, assuming all of his friends, giving up their careers to be a kept woman and disappearing from social media. Most women think, “If I were losing myself in a relationship, I’d know it.” But, by the very nature of losing one’s self, you won’t see it coming when it happens. Losing yourself also means losing some very important things like perspective and feelings of self-worth—all of which you need to have intact to see anything clearly. So, no, you probably won’t see it if you’re losing yourself in a relationship. You just have to know the signs ahead of time—write them down somewhere—so if it ever happens you can take a long hard look in the mirror and say, “It’s happening…” Here are signs you lose yourself in relationships.

You suck at texting your friends back

You’ve started getting a lot of, “Hello?” texts, “Are you alive?” messages and “Alright, guess you don’t want to answer me…” follow-ups. You’re so lost in the relationship you can’t take two seconds to respond to your friends. 

A small argument can ruin your week

Fighting with your partner sucks, but it shouldn’t ruin your week. It should destroy your ability to enjoy the things you used to enjoy, like yoga, happy hour, walks on the beach, etc. You’re too consumed with the relationship if that’s happening.

You think a lot before you speak

You find yourself doing a lot of thinking before you speak. You want every sentence to come out perfectly…That’s probably because you’re afraid of losing your partner because you’ve lost yourself, so you never want to accidentally upset him.

Your goals have come to a halt

You’ve stopped attending that night class, going to those networking events, sending out query letters, attending work happy hours and such. You now spend all the free time you used to spend on forwarding your career with your partner.

You only feel present when he’s there

If you’re not with your partner, you cannot focus on the people around you or the thing you are doing. Moments without him just seem like wasted moments. That could be love…but it could also mean that you don’t know how to be happy without your partner anymore.

You can’t remember the last time you did what you wanted to do

Let’s see: last weekend you hiked to that monument he wanted to see and saw the movie he wanted to watch. The weekend before that you visited his old college friend in another town. The weekend before that the two of you worked on his work presentation…

The thought of being alone terrifies you

If the thought of being alone terrifies you, then you’ve definitely lost yourself in the relationship. It’s normal to feel very sad at the concept of losing someone you love, but it’s not normal to feel like you wouldn’t know how to function.

You feel a burst of anger and resentment

When you lose yourself in a relationship, you end up making too many compromises. You don’t speak up much, you don’t say what you want or need, and you mostly just lay down to the will of the other person. This will lead you to feel strong and bizarre bursts of anger and resentment.

It would be nice if we check this amazing book out.. Am so sure it’s going to be very helpful . Psychoanalyst Beverly Engel, author of “Loving Him Without Losing Yourself,” (Currently on Amazon or any other online bookstore). 

The more we give up of ourselves, the less we are the woman our sweetie was attracted to in the first place, says Sherry Argov in “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl — A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.” “The nice girl thinks she’s giving up something to get something better in return. She gives up control over her own life. When the time comes for her to get what she expected, she winds up disappointed. In addition to being empty-handed, she’s depleted.”

I know it takes more to be a wife/husband and a parent in a relationship but it’s best you find out what your partner expects of you after your marriage to know if it works for you. Like they say, love is not the only criteria for marriage. The more you lose yourself, they more you become frustrated and gradually start falling put of love with your partner… 

It’s never late. It’s time you find our those things you have always wanted to achieve and start doing it…. Giving up on your dreams, it’s not a sign of love..It can only make you a bitter person. Don’t think that only women tend to lose them selves in marriage, most men do to. So this post is for everyone. 


It’s always about you…….. Never forget that. 


REFERENCES:

http://madamenoire.com

https://m.huffpost.com

Please don’t forget to like, share and follow the blog….. Keep reading. 

Parents · Relationship

STEPMOTHER SYNDROME 

Through out this week, a lot of random topics have been going through my mind and this is one of them….

Are stepmothers as evil as portrayed in our society? 

Who is a stepmother? 

A woman who is married to one’s father after the divorce of one’s parents or the death of one’s mother. 

Merriam Webster dictionary defined it as – the wife one’s father when district from one’s natural or legal mother. 
You don’t have to dip deep to realize that stepmothers usually get a poor perception. Nigerian movies shows us a lot of them, most of our popular cartoons like Cinderella gave most of us an insight on the evil stepfamily and stepmother. Snow White had a wicked stepmother too. 

Most time, when people hear “stepmother” it kind of reflects wickedness. It’s true to say most of the wicked stepmothers stories are true. But not all stepmothers are wicked.

I remember listening to Jala’s clinic last month and they talked on stepmother syndrome. The host recounted her story, saying how her stepmother treated her badly even when it was unnecessary.

Another speaker told  her own story and challenges she had to go through being a stepmother. She said her husband’s children hated her because they felt she was the reason their parents divorced. No matter how had she tried explaining that she met their father 10 years after his divorce with their mother. They felt angry and vulnerable because their secret fantasy that their parents might reunite is destroyed.

According to her, it was not easy getting their love and respect. She had to overly try her best not to replace their mum but for them to see that she genuinely cares and that she’s not a wicked person.

It’s not easy for most men too. Most of them get confused on who to please. Is it their new partner or their children? For most, they try to please their partners, to make them feel at home as the new mother. While others try to please their children. This is because they feel their children are finding or had to adjust to a new mother and to an extent would still want their children not to feel betrayed for moving on.

In an article by Tim Lott (life as a stepmother is no fairytale) “When a stepchild is rude, it is hard for a stepmother to discipline them because the relationship feels fragile. Furthermore, stepmothers may find themselves undermined by the father, who finds himself torn. Because of guilt from getting divorced in the first place, fear of losing their child to the biological mother entirely and the fact that the child seems particularly vulnerable, the father will be inclined to back the child, leaving the stepmother feeling excluded and abandoned. It is a classic case of divided loyalty”. 

WHY DO SOME STEPMOTHERS ACT EVIL? IS IT NECESSARY? 

Why do most stepmothers  feel threatened by their step children that they have to result to being wicked towards time? Do you need to prove that there is a new mother I’m town by maltreatment the child. With time, every child would adjust to that fact. I also know that Some kids are also badly behaved, they tend to undermine and disrespect their stepmothers. It’s not easy but as an elderly person and being a woman, it’s best to study the child and find out how best to rapport with the child/children. Some Children who undergo mistreatment by their step parents are affected physically and psychologically. They are not at ease with their home environment and this ends up affecting them physically, emotionally or could go both ways. According to a write up by Donah Mbabazi “Another effect is that the biological kids are likely to develop a bad character as a result of the bad example from their mothers.They get the picture that step kids are supposed to be treated that way, according to Kirabo” 

According to http://www.sheknows.com the following are things that a step-parent should never do. 

Don’t bad-mouth the biological parents

You are going to have your opinions. Perhaps the ex is way too lax about the rules. Perhaps you really don’t like her. Whatever it is you are feeling and thinking, don’t mention it. Your stepchild has the right to love his parents… even if you see them as imperfect.

Don’t be a disciplinarian

Without a doubt, being a step-parent is hard. You are treading in uncertain territory. One of the keys to maintaining your footing is to resist taking on a parenting role per se. “‘Step-parent’ is a misnomer: Parenting has nothing to do with it. It is your step-child’s parents’ job to be the parents, not your job. When the parents are not doing the job that you think they should be doing, you should be extra vigilant in getting out the pom-poms, not the soapbox,” says expert and author Ellen Kellner. “Use your creativity and positive thoughts to create environments where relationships with your step-children are encouraged, not stifled.”

That said, you still need to set rules for your house. Just do it in concert with your spouse, and don’t be afraid to enforce them.

Don’t be a replacement parent

Again, the challenging role of a step-parent is tough and uncertain. But no matter how bad the biological parent is, you aren’t supposed to take her place — or try. It could lead to big-time resentment. “Don’t try to replace your step-child’s biological parent. Be there as a support system, role model, mentor and caring ear,” says Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce?

Don’t expect things to be perfect

When you and your step-child’s parent signed a marriage certificate, it didn’t flip a magical switch that would create a lovely family dynamic in your home. Sure, it would be nice if that were the case, but it simply isn’t. So, expect some rough patches, and wait for the love to develop over time. “Don’t expect [the stepkids] to love — or even like — you. They must treat you as kindly and respectfully as they would any other acquaintance or friend of the family. 

Don’t play favorites

Step or not, a child is a child and shouldn’t have to face the fact that she may not be your favorite person. “If you do have your own children, try not to show blatant favoritism to them. Chances are, you are never going to feel the same way about your stepchild as you do your own children. Kids know this on some level, but they do not need to see it blatantly played out in front of them, which can wreak serious havoc on self-esteem and set up a antagonistic relationship between bio kids and your stepchild,” says step-mom Marifran Manzo-Ritchie.

Despite the above research, I still have some questions that I would gladly need answers to. Please let’s all try to make this a nice conversation by sharing our thoughts and experiences or give answers to the questions..

Why do most stepmothers feel threatened by their step children that they have to become wicked towards them?

Why do stepchildren find it difficult to adapt to a new mother?

Can we still find stepchildren who can proudly say that their stepmothers were and are still the best?

Why do stepmothers treat their stepchildren /Child indifferently from theirs?

I feel a lot has to be considered before deciding to become a stepmother especially when the mother of the children is still in the picture.. This is my opinion though, what’s yours?

It’s all about you….. Never forget that. 

Health · Parents · Uncategorized

AUTISM 

Understanding Autism — the Basics

What Is Autism?

Autism is a brain disorder that limits a person’s ability to communicate and relate to other people. It first appears in young children, who fall along a spectrum from mild to severe. Some people can navigate their world, some have exceptional abilities, while others struggle to speak. Autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) affect about one child in 68, striking nearly five times as many boys as girls.

Autism is a complex neurobehavioral condition that includes impairments in social interaction and developmental language and communication skills combined with rigid, repetitive behaviors. Because of the range of symptoms, this condition is now called autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It covers a large spectrum of symptoms, skills, and levels of impairment. ASD ranges in severity from a handicap that somewhat limits an otherwise normal life to a devastating disability that may require institutional care.

Children with autism have trouble communicating. They have trouble understanding what other people think and feel. This makes it very hard for them to express themselves either with words or through gestures, facial expressions, and touch.

A child with ASD who is very sensitive may be greatly troubled — sometimes even pained — by sounds, touches, smells, or sights that seem normal to others.

Children who are autistic may have repetitive, stereotyped body movements such as rocking, pacing, or hand flapping. They may have unusual responses to people, attachments to objects, resistance to change in their routines, or aggressive or self-injurious behavior. At times they may seem not to notice people, objects, or activities in their surroundings. Some children with autism may also developseizures. And in some cases, those seizures may not occur until adolescence.

Some people with autism are cognitively impaired to a degree. In contrast to more typical cognitive impairment, which is characterized by relatively even delays in all areas of development, people with autism show uneven skill development. They may have problems in certain areas, especially the ability to communicate and relate to others. But they may have unusually developed skills in other areas, such as drawing, creating music, solving math problems, or memorizing facts. For this reason, they may test higher — perhaps even in the average or above-average range — on nonverbal intelligence tests.

Symptoms of autism typically appears during the first three years of life. Some children show signs from birth. Others seem to develop normally at first, only to slip suddenly intosymptoms when they are 18 to 36 months old. However, it is now recognized that some individuals may not show symptoms of a communication disorder until demands of the environment exceed their capabilities. Autism is four times more common in boys than in girls. It knows no racial, ethnic, or social boundaries. Family income, lifestyle, or educational levels do not affect a child’s chance of being autistic.

Autism is said to be increasing; however, it is not entirely clear whether the increase is related to changes in how it is diagnosed or whether it is a true increase in the incidence of the disease.

Autism is just one syndrome that now falls under the heading of autism spectrum disorders.  Previous disorders that are now classified under the umbrella diagnosis of  ASD or a social communication disorder include:

  • Autistic disorder. This is what most people think of when they hear the word “autism.” It refers to problems with social interactions, communication, and imaginative play in children younger than 3 years.
  • Asperger’s syndrome. These children don’t have a problem with language — in fact, they tend to score in the average or above-average range on intelligence tests. But they have the same social problems and limited scope of interests as children with autistic disorder.
  • Pervasive developmental disorder or PDD — also known as atypical autism.This is a kind of catch-all category for children who have some autistic behaviors but who don’t fit into other categories.
  • Childhood disintegrative disorder. These children develop normally for at least two years and then lose some or most of their communication and social skills. This is an extremely rare disorder and its existence as a separate condition is a matter of debate among many mental health professionals.

Rett syndrome previously fell under ASD spectrum but it is now confirmed that Rett’s cause is genetic. It no longer falls under ASD guidelines. Children with Rett syndrome, primarily girls, start developing normally but then begin losing their communication and social skills. Beginning at the age of 1 to 4 years, repetitive hand movements replace purposeful use of the hands. Children with Rett syndrome are usually severely cognitively impaired.

Signs of Autism

Before a child turns three, careful observers can see signs of autism. Some children develop normally until 18-24 months old and then stop or lose skills. Signs of an ASD can include:

  • Repeated motions (rocking or spinning)
  • Avoiding eye contact or physical touch
  • Delays in learning to talk
  • Repeating words or phrases (echolalia)
  • Getting upset by minor changes

It’s important to note that these signs can occur in children without ASDs, too.

Other Signs and Symptoms

People with autism sometimes may have physical symptoms, including digestive problems such as constipation and sleep problems. Children may have poor coordination of the large muscles used for running and climbing, or the smaller muscles of the hand. About a third of people with autism also have seizures.

Treatment: Education

Local school systems may provide special services to help a child with autism learn and develop. This can include speech therapy and occupational therapy. Schools are required to develop an Individualized Education Program (IEP) for each child. Children with autism may qualify for early intervention or extended school year services. If you are concerned about your child, be an advocate and ask the school to develop an IEP.

I know most people would think all i do is research and write. Some would actually say ‘She doesn’t know anything about autism’. well i really don’t know about it that’s why i try to know by reading but i do understand the feeling a parent of an autistic child.

I just want to tell every mother who has an autistic child that it’s not your fault and it’s neither the fault of the child. You just have to love that child the same way you love the rest of your children. One important thing you need to note is, don’t make that child feel left out. i know by nature, most of them prefer being alone. When you notice any of the above symptoms or others you might have researched on early or late, its best you get that child a psychologist instead of locking him/her up in the room often. This days we have psychologist who specialize  in helping children that are autistic. There are also wonderful schools that attend to children with special needs. Here are top 5 schools that attend to children with special needs.

1.Modupe Cole Memorial Childcare and Treatment Home

2. Benola – Benola is a Not for Profit Organization committed to change and progress for persons living with Cerebral Palsy.

3. C.A.D.E.T. Academy – C.A.D.E.T. Academy is a research & evidence-based special needs education & learning program located in Abuja, Nigeria but serves a global community.

4. The Zamarr Institute

5. Patrick Speech and Languages Centre

There are other schools but i only choose to write 5… Kudos to parents with autistic children because i know you are doing your best. for those of us yet to have children, I pray that all our children will be born without issues and for those of us who already have children, may they continue to make us happy and proud of them..

It’s all about you….never forget that.

 

 

Parents · Relationship

DIVORCE

Happy new month to all of you reading this post now. This is my first official post for the month of August. I have been thinking of the rate of divorce in our country NIGERIA of recent.

The rate of divorce in  our society has risen unlike the Nigeria we use to know.  Previously, no matter what happens in a relationship (marriage), women and men consider divorce as the last option.

Nowadays, you see two people fall in love and they both  decide to get married with the promise of spending forever together . The funny thing is, for most in less than 3 months into the marriage, we begin to hear the rumours….

what is divorce and what are the causes of divorce?

divorce 2

 

DIVORCE: the legal dissolution of marriage by a court or other competent body.  It is a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, especially one that releases the marriage partners from all matrimonial.

Marriage isn’t always easy and sweet as i have heard and seen. The sad truth is that not all “I DO” always end with a happily ever after no matter how the two individuals feel they love each other.

So i did my usual research online and asked some question from both married and divorced couples for common reasons for divorce in our society in hopes that when i share it, we can all learn from the mistakes made by others.

  • INFIDELITY :  extra -marital affairs are responsible for the ending of most marriages. The reasons why people cheat are not too clear. Aside from the difference in sexual appetite, lack of emotional intimacy and the “Biological nature of most men to cheat”.
  • MONEY: money really touches everything. “It impacts people’s lives” said Emmet Burns, brand marketing director for SUNTRUST.
  • LACK OF COMMUNICATION: communication is crucial in marriage and the most important. Not being able to communicate effectively quickly leads to resentment and frustration for both. Yelling at your spouse, not talking enough throughout the day, making nasty comments to express yourself are all unhealthy methods of communication that needs to be ditched in a marriage.
  • WEIGHT GAIN: I know this is not an easy one to talk about, but let’s be sincere. In some cases a significant amount of weight gain causes the other spouse to become less physically attracted while for others, weight gain takes a toll on their self-esteem, which trickles into issues with intimacy.
  • UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION: A lot of people go into marriage with different expectation, expecting your spouse and the marriage to live up to your image of what they should be. These expectation can put a lot of strain on the other person, leaving you feeling let down and setting your spouse up for failure.
  • LACK OF INTIMACY : Not feeling connected to your partner can quickly ruin a marriage because it leaves a couple feeling as though they’re living with a stranger or more like roommates than spouses. Constant cold shoulders or ”punishment”  by starving him sexually till you get what you want is actually bad. i know most times it helps but don’t make it a habit. Practice little acts of kindness, appreciation and enjoy physical intimacy and much as possible to sweeten your relationship.
  • LACK OF EQUALITY: when one partner feels that they take on more responsibility in the marriage, it can alter their view of the other person and lead to resentment.
  • NOT BEING PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE: Most times due to pressure from family and society depending on the scenario, most people get married without even knowing what they are getting into. This in turn results to a negative attitude to the marriage due to lack of preparation.
  • PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE : physical abuse can be in both ways to the man or o the woman. This has been one of the reason of abuse lately. This is a very good ground for divorce because instead of dying as a result of the abuse, it’s better to let go of the marriage. Emotional abuse is one this most people don’t notice. Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse, or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • DISTANCE: although not a good enough reason for some people, distance pose as a threat to marriage because not everyone can  manage. Some couples stay apart for a period of time. for some, it could be for some months, a year, two years or even more. Most people don’t see this point as a reason for divorce because they can stay faithful, they trust their partners and in most cases they are opportuned to visit each other as often as possible. For me, i think if you can avoid the distance, then you have to do everything to see you always have your partner around. for those that can’t help but encounter this distance, you and your partner has to talk about it, be ok with it and create means where by it lessens the burden of the distance. ”Totally avoiding people who keep you  out late at night or places and people who will easily influence you into cheating” as said by my Colleague MR T who works in Abuja while his wife and daughter stays in Ondo state. So how do you manage? i asked further. ” Well, i make sure i talk to them if possible more than 3 times a day. we talk , chat and video chat always… I try my best to always visit whenever i get the smallest opportunity” he said. About cheating, how do you avoid it? I asked . ” i know most people won’t believe but like i told you earlier i avoid going out late and the truth is i don’t find any other woman attractive. I love my wife and only doing right by her is all i wish for. The truth is once the foundation(family) is faulty, then negative thoughts and ideas starts coming in” he said.
  • MARRIAGE DONE BY FORCE OR FOR BUSINESS OR POLITICAL ALLIANCE : I think this is self explanatory and we all know it happens everywhere and everyday . A school mate of mine from the Northern part of Nigeria broke up with her boyfriend one day and was crying. when i asked why she was crying despite the fact that she was the one that broke up the relationship. she said ”Precious, i love him and i don’t want to keep leading him on knowing that my father already told me i am expected to marry his friend’s son”.  Most parent actually choose who their son’s or daughter’s get married to just for their own selfish reasons. In few cases it works but in most cases, it doesn’t work.

The truth is we keep learning everyday both married and unmarried we all need to know the reason why we are getting married to our partners and see if these reasons are the best for us. This will enable us avoid issues that would lead to divorce.  In one of  my next post, i would write on the legality of divorce according to Nigerian law. Meanwhile, i would like to hear from you concerning your opinion on divorce and how you feel about it.

Thanks to all of you for constantly finding out time to read and comment on my post. Please lets not forget to follow and like my blog ,keeping it in mind that we are all expected to touch the lives of others by sharing this post…

 

Parents · Relationship · Uncategorized

MUST EVERY WOMAN GET MARRIED? 

You remember when I said in my last post that we would talk about this topic? Yes the day has finally come.

In this part of the world, why is it when a woman has done well for herself, the first question usually asked is “IS SHE MARRIED”? If the response is No, the next question would be WHO WOULD MARRY HER NOW? It would be very hard for her to get married! I have heard this so many times especially when people talk about successful people like, LINDA IKEJI, GENNIVIVE NNAJI, to mention but a few. No wonder Chimanada said “We say to girls, you can have ambition but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful otherwise you would threaten the man”. 

Another issue people tend to raise is, if a woman is married and successful, people have this fear that the marriage will always be at the edge of ending. This is because they are of the opinion that successful women can’t keep a home. It’s either their career or their family but they can’t have both, but that’s not the truth. We have successful women who are both successful in their marriages and in their careers. Some women like TARA DUROTOYE, BETTY IRABOR, OMOTOLA JALADE EKEINDE, to mention but a few.

In Nigeria, I stand to be corrected, often times, a successful single man is acknowledged to be ready for a wife. But sadly, the reverse is the case for women. Extremely successful women are not perceived as good wife materials (my opinion).

Despite the extent of our education and enlightenment as women, we are still surrounded by some harsh realities that puts us in a position were we are expected  to sacrifice certain aspects of our life’s in other to blend with the society. I remember this extract  from Chimamanda’s quote “because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage, I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important”. 

Society has made us (women) feel that we haven’t really accomplished anything if we have no man to call our husband. This amounts to an unnecessary pressure on a woman to have not just a successful career but also a family. This therefore leads to my topic for today Must everyone get married? 

Don’t get me wrong, I do want to get married but I just don’t understand the unnecessary pressure. If Mr Right comes, then he comes. I can’t carry a sign post on my forehead saying single and ready to get married.

For most women, their reasons for either not getting married or not being married  differs. Some are waiting for the perfect man, some have been through emotional heart breaks that they are scared of commitment. Some wants to attain a level of success before getting married, not because they want to be richer than their spouse but because they don’t want to be totally depended on them that they become a burden. Most men don’t understand this, in fact they don’t care especially the ones that feel they have money.

(My personal experience)  I once knew a young, educated, rich and handsome man who was asking for my hand in marriage. He asked me one day what I wanted to do. I didn’t know why he asked but I told him a list of what I wanted to do and achieve by God’s grace in my life… After listening he said “it’s good oh! but if I marry you, you won’t have to work. You don’t need to stress yourself. I will just open a supermarket for you, where u can go when ever you wish. Some ladies would be happy to hear this but I wasn’t. ” I was shocked. “Really?” I said. “Why would I go to school to study law, suffer to graduate with a good result, my parents suffering to pay my tuition, just to own a supermarket and not work or create an impact?. “My wife won’t need to work, I have money that can take care of us and by God’s grace will continue to provide for her” he said..

After listening to his reasons, the only thing I could comprehend was that he didn’t want his wife to be richer than him because it will make him loose his respect and he wants his wife to have enough time to take care of their children and not feel superior. “I want to be in control” he said. This is, permit me to use the word Crazy. An educated man speaking..

I know Marriage was ordained and programed by God. It was that same God that says there’s time for everything. Why can’t society allow us follow the part God has destined for us. When you are in your early twenties graduate or no graduate, every body starts looking at you with one eye, parents start telling you of their friends daughter or your class mates that got married or is getting married. When you enter your thirties, parents and family members starts playing match maker for you, some even go to the extent of going for prayers on your behalf. Most women who gets worried about the constant nagging and comparison start what I call God release my husband type of prayer. Funny right but it happened. I remember a neighbor of mine kept praying every midnight for God to release her husband to locate her where ever he was. And yes God finally released her husband.

Another question raised by the author CHIMAMANDA which I concour to is ” why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage but we don’t teach boys the same?” 

I have realized that no matter how many times we talk about this topic as women, it’s still going to be hard to change the view of an average Nigerian. Even my mum usually say, “Ugw nwanyi bu diya (a woman’s honour is her husband)”. I subscribe to marriage the same way I stand for successful women. We don’t need to shrink ourselves in name of not wanting to intimidate a man… We are women, we are great, we are successful and we are mothers and wives.. 

Health · Inspirational · Parents

LONG TERM EFFECTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE ON CHILDREN. 

Despite the stress I go through  in the camp where I am currently under going my Nysc orientation, I try so hard to make sure I still research, write and post.  So, like I promised in my last post,  I would be talking about long term effects of sexual abuse on children and different strategies employed by them to cope with the sexual abuse.

Below are the long term effects of sexual abuse on children. 

–  Intimacy and relationship : it’s possible that your (victims)  with sex came as a result of sexual abuse.  As an adult, intimacy might be a struggle at times.  Survivors may also struggle to set boundaries that help them feel safe in relationships. 

–   Self –  esteem : you may struggle with low self – esteem, which can be a result of the negative message you received from your abuser(s),  and having your personal safety violated or ignored.  Low self – esteem can affect many different areas of your life such as your relationships, your career, and even your health.  

–  Long term impacts on mental health : there have been numerous studies examine the association between a history of child sexual abuse and mental health problems in adult life that have employed clinical samples.  

There is now an established body of knowledge clearly linking a history of child sexual abuse with higher rate in adult life of depressive systoms, anxiety systoms, substance abuse disorder, post – traumatic stress disorder 

–  Drug abuse and alcoholism 

–  Difficult with intimacy 

–  Sexual confusion or promiscuity as a result of not dealing with emotions and feelings surrounding the abuse.  Most times the abused instead of having a relationship with the opposite sex,  they result in having experimental relationships with their same sex because they feel it’s safer. 

–  Poor body image because the body was the instrument used during the sexual abuse.  

Others include. 

1) Trouble sleeping, anxiety, depression. 

2) Damaged goods syndrome- negative body image due to self-blame.  This may be intensified if physical pain was experienced during the abused incidents. 

3) Sexual difficulties such as fear of sex or intimacy, indiscriminate multiple sex partners, or difficulty in reaching orgasim. 

4) Parenting problems such as fear of being a bad parent, or fear of abusing the child or being over protective. 


LEGAL ACTION –  Suspicious of child sexual abuse should be reported to a child protective service agency or law enforcement agency. The law requires professionals who work with children to report suspected neglect or abuse. 

In addition to reporting child sexual abuse to the authorities, victims can sue their abuse in a civil court to recover monetary damages or win other remedies. Many states have extended their criminal and civil statues of limitation for child sexual abuse cases.  In addition the delayed discovery rule suspends the status of limitation if the victim had repressed all memory of the abuse or was unaware that the abuse caused current problems. 


STRATEGIES USED BY CHILDREN TO COPE WITH SEXUAL ABUSE. 

– Dissociation 

– Fragmentation of personality ( hiding the past to keep the experience out of conscious awareness). Repressed memory. 

– Denial stage- they try to make themselves believe it never happened to them and it was all a dream. 

–  Refraining strategies :

1) Rationalizing –  the common reaction is that children believes they are bad and deserves to be punished. 

2) Minimization –  the victim reduces the experience to the smallest possible effect. Often used when denial fails.  Eg ” my uncle does hit me occasionally, but I’ve been through far worse. 

Dr. Berman stresses out in her book the importance bringing the abuse to light and hopes victims will feel more comfortable coming forward.  

Victims need to know that are not alone and help is available, but most importantly healing is definitely possible.