Health · Reality. · Relationship

ADDICTION 

I know this post might be very lengthy to read but I beg that you take your time and read not forgetting to share it because you can never tell who you might be saving. 

WHAT IS ADDICTION? 
The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity. 

The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit – forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that is cessation causes severe trauma. 

A lot of us think addiction is only related to drugs and alcohol. But the truth is we have other things anyone can be addicted to. Examples are : Games, pornography, Sex, social media to mention but a few. 

Today I decided to talk about one aspect of the above mentioned types of addiction that most people don’t even realize they have while those who know, don’t think they need help. Sexual addiction is my main focus for the day. Am going to share a little research I did on it and put down the different websites as usual so you can check it out to get more information. 

What is sexual addiction? 
Sexual addiction is a condition in which an individual cannot manage their sexual behavior. Persistent sexual thoughts affect their ability to work, maintain relationships, and fulfil their daily activities.

Other terms for sexual addiction are sexual dependency, hypersexuality, and compulsive sexual behavior. It is also known as nymphomania in females and satyriasis in men.

Research also has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children. Sex addicts often describe their parents as rigid, distant and uncaring. These families, including the addicts themselves, are more likely to be substance abusers. One study found that 80 percent of recovering sex addicts report some type of addiction in their families of origin.

While sexual addiction shares some features with substance addiction, the person is addicted to an activity, not a substance. Treatment may help, but without treatment, it may get worse.

Fast facts on sexual addiction Sexual addiction prevents people from managing their sexual behavior. Why it happens is unclear. It can have a severe impact on a person’s life, but key bodies, such as the American Psychological Association (APA), have not yet established it as a diagnosable condition. Typical behaviors include compulsive masturbation, persistent use of pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, extreme acts of lewd sex, and the failure to resist sexual impulses. Treatment centers and self-help groups can help with sexual addiction.What Are the Different Types of Sexual Addictions?There are no distinct categories, but sexual addictions can come in different forms, including addiction to: Pornography, Prostitution,Masturbation or fantasy, Sadistic or masochisticbehavior, Exhibition/Voyeurism, Other excessive sexual pursuits.Emotional Symptoms of Sex AddictionIf you or someone you love suffers from a sex addiction, you might not have healthy boundaries. If your husband is addicted to pornor sex, you may feel alienated, isolated, depressed, angry, or humiliated and need treatment yourself. If you are addicted to sex, you might become easily involved with people sexually or emotionally regardless of how well you know them, according to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Because most sex addicts fear being abandoned, they might stay in relationships that aren’t healthy, or they may jump from relationship to relationship. When alone, they might feel empty or incomplete. They might also sexualize feelings like guilt, loneliness or fear.

Physical Symptoms of Sex Addiction

Although a sex addiction or pornography addiction can create many physical side effects, few physical symptoms of this disorder exist. However, the most common physical sex addict symptoms you might notice from having a sexual addiction is feeling immobilized due to sexual or emotional obsessions.

How do you know if you are an addict? 

It is best to consult with a healthcare professional for proper evaluation of your sex addiction, however, you may also want to look out for the following signs:

  • You feel powerless over how you act sexually.
  • Your sexual choices are making your life unmanageable.
  • You feel shame, embarrassment or even self-loathing over your sexual acts.
  • You promise yourself you’ll change, but fail to keep those promises.
  • You’re so preoccupied with sex it becomes like a ritual to you.

Get Help For Sex Addiction

It is important to understand that although sex and porn addiction are not “formally” diagnosable, these conditions exist and often present with very adverse consequences and high levels of distress, guilt, and emotional turmoil. If you can relate to the symptoms mentioned above, or know somebody who meets these criteria, do not hesitate to ask for help.

Some treatment options include:

  • Individual therapy – 30-60 minute sessions with a certified mental health professional, focused on your sexually compulsive behaviors and any co-occurring disorders.
  • Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Focuses on the idea that our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are all interrelated and works to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts and self-talk.
  • Psychodynamic therapy – Built around the premise that unconscious memories and conflicts affect our behavior, Psychodynamic therapy uncovers early childhood influencers of current habits or present factors that contribute to the current sex addiction.
  • Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (DBT) – Contains four components: skills training group, individual treatment, DBT phone coaching, and consultation team and these four components are designed to teach four skills: mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation.
  • Group therapy – Led by qualified therapists, group therapy is designed to replace negative and detrimental behaviors with pro-social and positive ones. It provides the addict with assurance that he or she is not alone in his or her experiences.
  • Couple’s counseling or Marriage counseling – This can be very beneficial for the sex addict and his or her partner. Couple’s counseling can help to improve communication skills, trust, and healthy sexual functioning between partners.
  • 12-step recovery – Sex Addicts Anonymous imitates the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and is a group-based model focused on acknowledging one’s powerlessness and willingness to live a life free of addiction.
  • Inpatient therapy – There are some inpatient recovery centers designed to treat sex and porn addiction. The patient resides at the recovery facility for the duration of treatment so that he or she can focus on the healing process without the distractions and temptations of everyday life.

What Causes an Addiction to Sex?

Research has shown that there are a lot of causes of sexual addiction ranging from biological, physiological and social. Check (https://www.psychguides.com/guides/sex-addiction-symptoms-causes-and-effects) for more details. I would also add sexual abuse. Sexual abuse plays an important role in the life of the abused. Most sexual abused persons either hate sex or become an addict for sex. 

I know most people find it difficult to talk about sex but sex addiction is a very silent problem “sickness” that needs to be addressed and I hope those suffering from this problem find the right people to talk to and help them find solutions. 

More to life is here to help solve our unspoken problems that no one dares to speak about. 


It’s all about you…. Never forget that. 


REFERENCES :

Cambridge English Dictionary 

Www.dictionary.com 

Www.medicalnewstoday.com

Www.Psychguides.com



Inspirational · Parents · Relationship

SO AM MARRIED WHAT NEXT? 

It’s yet another Saturday…. A day a lot of people are getting married. For some, this is the happiest day of their lives and can’t wait to begin the new chapter of their lives. While for some, this is the beginning of losing themselves. 

Marriage is supposed be a beautiful thing. The next phase of life most women pray day and night for. “After marriage what next”. My boss and I were talking and she said something “the way Nigerian women as an achievement, it scares her”. According to her, she got married at the age of 19 and she asked her self this question “what next?”. In the name of getting married, a lot of women lose their identity. You forget the woman you were. The women who had dreams and aspirations. Don’t get me wrong, I know marriage is all about sacrifice and indulgence. But that doesn’t mean you become another person entirely. 

“A lot of women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what’s important to them and what makes them happy just because they happen to be in a relationship/marriage”. 

A lot of women you see who had successful careers, suddenly quit and become stay home wife/mother,and when you ask them their reason “my husband asked me to. He says he wants me to focus on the family”. I really find it funny. Well most men give their wives the option of going into business while others don’t. Forgetting that your only increasing the burden on yourself as well as making your wife “useless”. 

WHAT EXACTLY DOES IT MEAN TO LOSE YOURSELF? 

“Losing yourself also means losing some very important things like perspective and feelings of self-worth—all of which you need to have intact to see anything clearly. So, no, you probably won’t see it if you’re losingyourself in a relationship”. 

A lot of people think that the process of losing oneself in a relationship is very obvious—that it always involves things like dressing exactly like the partner, assuming all of his friends, giving up their careers to be a kept woman and disappearing from social media. Most women think, “If I were losing myself in a relationship, I’d know it.” But, by the very nature of losing one’s self, you won’t see it coming when it happens. Losing yourself also means losing some very important things like perspective and feelings of self-worth—all of which you need to have intact to see anything clearly. So, no, you probably won’t see it if you’re losing yourself in a relationship. You just have to know the signs ahead of time—write them down somewhere—so if it ever happens you can take a long hard look in the mirror and say, “It’s happening…” Here are signs you lose yourself in relationships.

You suck at texting your friends back

You’ve started getting a lot of, “Hello?” texts, “Are you alive?” messages and “Alright, guess you don’t want to answer me…” follow-ups. You’re so lost in the relationship you can’t take two seconds to respond to your friends. 

A small argument can ruin your week

Fighting with your partner sucks, but it shouldn’t ruin your week. It should destroy your ability to enjoy the things you used to enjoy, like yoga, happy hour, walks on the beach, etc. You’re too consumed with the relationship if that’s happening.

You think a lot before you speak

You find yourself doing a lot of thinking before you speak. You want every sentence to come out perfectly…That’s probably because you’re afraid of losing your partner because you’ve lost yourself, so you never want to accidentally upset him.

Your goals have come to a halt

You’ve stopped attending that night class, going to those networking events, sending out query letters, attending work happy hours and such. You now spend all the free time you used to spend on forwarding your career with your partner.

You only feel present when he’s there

If you’re not with your partner, you cannot focus on the people around you or the thing you are doing. Moments without him just seem like wasted moments. That could be love…but it could also mean that you don’t know how to be happy without your partner anymore.

You can’t remember the last time you did what you wanted to do

Let’s see: last weekend you hiked to that monument he wanted to see and saw the movie he wanted to watch. The weekend before that you visited his old college friend in another town. The weekend before that the two of you worked on his work presentation…

The thought of being alone terrifies you

If the thought of being alone terrifies you, then you’ve definitely lost yourself in the relationship. It’s normal to feel very sad at the concept of losing someone you love, but it’s not normal to feel like you wouldn’t know how to function.

You feel a burst of anger and resentment

When you lose yourself in a relationship, you end up making too many compromises. You don’t speak up much, you don’t say what you want or need, and you mostly just lay down to the will of the other person. This will lead you to feel strong and bizarre bursts of anger and resentment.

It would be nice if we check this amazing book out.. Am so sure it’s going to be very helpful . Psychoanalyst Beverly Engel, author of “Loving Him Without Losing Yourself,” (Currently on Amazon or any other online bookstore). 

The more we give up of ourselves, the less we are the woman our sweetie was attracted to in the first place, says Sherry Argov in “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl — A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.” “The nice girl thinks she’s giving up something to get something better in return. She gives up control over her own life. When the time comes for her to get what she expected, she winds up disappointed. In addition to being empty-handed, she’s depleted.”

I know it takes more to be a wife/husband and a parent in a relationship but it’s best you find out what your partner expects of you after your marriage to know if it works for you. Like they say, love is not the only criteria for marriage. The more you lose yourself, they more you become frustrated and gradually start falling put of love with your partner… 

It’s never late. It’s time you find our those things you have always wanted to achieve and start doing it…. Giving up on your dreams, it’s not a sign of love..It can only make you a bitter person. Don’t think that only women tend to lose them selves in marriage, most men do to. So this post is for everyone. 


It’s always about you…….. Never forget that. 


REFERENCES:

http://madamenoire.com

https://m.huffpost.com

Please don’t forget to like, share and follow the blog….. Keep reading. 

Inspirational · Relationship

HOW TO MAINTAIN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP 

Today’s post is on long distance relationship and how best to maintain them.. A lot of us prefer being in a relationship were we don’t find it difficult to see each other and distance isn’t really an issues.

I know sometimes, we have this believe that long distance relationships are never going to work. Most of our friends and family discourage us from it. I know it’s not an easy one. No body says it’s ever going to be easy. There are going to be times when things will get complicated, you could get sad and lonely at times. 

The same way we see more of the disadvantages of long distance relationship, I would gladly tell us that there are more advantages to being in a long distance relationship. This type of relationship makes the simplest things the sweetest… Simple things like eating together at the same table, taking a walk together and feeling each other’s touch… 
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I noticed that most of us (especially our parents) take a lot of things in our (their)  relationship for granted… Couples don’t do the simplest things like eat together at the same time, send simple messages to each other. In fact simple little exciting things.. Am not just talking about young couples, or your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance /fiancee, am also talking about married couples… I constantly say this that “marriage can be exciting”…. Yes go ahead and say what does she know? She’s not married. Yes! I might not know a lot but I have seen and read about married people who do these things I  picture and teach.. I feel it’s long distance like this, that makes you grateful for your partner when ever you finally have to be with them. You become supper excited and anxious… It’s like you just fell in love for the first time. Permit me to say, but most times I feel distance sometimes makes the relationship stronger. 

It’s really not going to be easy. Especially if the distance is somewhere you really need to plan well before embarking on just to see your partner.. We are constantly boreded about our partners fidelity, about the love dying, about the different temptation that we have to go through just to be loyal… For most people, time difference is also a bigger challenge for them. 

 Below are a list of different things to do to keep your long distance relationship going  and exciting (how best to maintain a long distance relationship). 

  • Try to communicate regularly and creativelyGreet each other “good morning” and “good night” every day — this is a must. On top of that, try to update your partner on your life and its happening, however mundane some of the things may seem. To up the game, send each other pictures, audio clips and short videos from time to time. By putting in this kind of effort, you make the other person feel loved and attended to.
  • Talk dirty with each other. Sexual tension is undoubtedly one of the most important things between couples. Sexual desire is like a glue that keeps both parties from drifting apart. Not only is sex a biological need, it is an emotional one as well. Keep the flames burning by sending each other teasing texts filled with sexual innuendos and provocative descriptions. Sexy puns work pretty well too. 
  • Avoid “dangerous” situations. Also, It could be easy for you to fall into the trap which you, unconsciously or not, set up for yourself by “hanging out” with your office eye-candy after work, or going out with a girl or guy from your past who has been flirting with you. You need to recognize the dangers before entering into the situation. Don’t just listen to your heart. Listen to your mind too.
  • Do similar things. Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news and etc. to each other. When you read, watch and listen to the same things, you get to have more topics in common to talk about. This is a good to create some shared experiences even though you are living apart.
  • Make visits to each otherVisits are the highlight of every long distance relationship. After all the waiting and yearning and abstinence, you finally get to meet each other to fulfill all the little things like kissing, holding hands, etc. which are all common to other couples but so very special and extra intimate for people in long distance relationships. It will be like fireworks, glitter bombs, confetti, rainbows and butterflies everywhere. 
  • Stay honest with each otherTalk about your feelings of fear, insecurity, jealousy, apathy, whatsoever. If you try to hide anything from your partner, that secret will sooner or later swallow you up from inside out. Don’t try to deal with things all by yourself. Be open and honest with each other. Let your partner help you and give you the support you need. it’s better to look at the problem during its initial stage than to only disclose it when it’s all too late.
  • Video-call whenever possible. Because looking into each other eyes and hearing each others voices can make everything feel alright again.
  • Stay positive. You need to be constantly injecting positive energy into the long distance relationship to keep it alive. Yes, the waiting can be painful and you can sometimes feel lonesome but you need to remind yourself that the fruits at the end will be sweet as heaven. One good trick to staying positive is to be grateful all the time. Be thankful that you have someone to love — someone who also loves you back. Be thankful for the little things, like the hand-made letter that arrived safely in your mailbox the other day. Be thankful for each others health and safety.
  • Know each others schedules. It’s helpful to know when the other person is busy and when he/she is free, so that you can drop a text or make a call at the right time. You wouldn’t want to disturb your partner when he/she is in the middle of class or halfway through a business meeting. Know the small and big events that are taking place or will take place in each others life e.g. college mid-terms and exams, important business trips and meetings, job interviews and etc. This is especially essential when the both of you are living in different time zones.
  • Have a goal in mind. “What do we want to achieve at the end of the day?” “How long are we going to be apart?” “What about the future?” These are the questions you two need to ask yourselves. The truth is, no couple can be in a long distance relationship for forever. Eventually we all need to settle down.
  • So make a plan with each otherDo up a timeline, marking down the estimated times apart and times together, and draw an end goal. It is important that you two are on the same page and have the same goals. So that even if you are not living in the same space and the same timezone, both of you are still working together in the same direction towards a future that includes one another.
  • Never use the silent treatment. Your relationship must be built on trust and communication. This silent treatment is damaging to any relationship, but it’s deadly for a long distance one. If you are upset, tell your partner you need time to think and talk about the problem.

  • Talk about serious things. Conversations about money, jobs, education and the future need to be discussed. For the relationship to be successful, you both need to be on the same page considering these subjects.

  • Surprise each other. Every healthy relationship needs spontaneous acts of love. Send surprise gifts, or plan a surprise visit.

  • Never use silent treatment : A lot of us men and women are quity of this… We think silence is always golden. Well it’s really not. Most of us use this method as a way of punishment. “am not going to talk to him/her until he/she apologies”… Well don’t forget that the less you talk, the more you drift apart and that way, gives opportunity to distractions.. 

In actual sense, it’s important you note that having a long distance relationship isn’t something you expect your partner to automatically be OK with especially if you both didn’t get into the relationship on that ground. Therefore, I advice that you call your partner, explain everything in detail and make sure he/she understands and that you both are on the same page.  

“If you want to live together, you first need to learn how to live apart ” Anonymous. 

What’s your opinion on being in a long distance relationship? Is it something you are currently in, or is it something you don’t think you can handle and why? If you are currently in this relationship, let’s hear how it’s been working out for you and your advice for others who might be thinking of embarking on it…..


It’s always about you…… Never forget that. 


If this post  inspired or meant something to you, please don’t forget to like and  share the post…  Kindly click on follow if you are not currently following the blog…… 



References :
Www.life hack.org

Www.Familyshare. Com

Relationship

CHEATING IS NEVER JUST ABOUT SEX 

Good evening everyone.  Today am going to share with you a post a friend posted on my group page. After reading the post below, I  would like to hear what your opinion about it.

A man can cheat on his woman and still love her but a woman cannot cheat on her man and still love him. I say this because while men do not have sex with emotions, women can’t have sex without attaching emotions to it. This is the reason men simply need a place to have sex while women need a reason to have sex.

Most women who take their husbands to court for divorce are those that cheat on their men. A non cheating woman would most likely never take her husband to court for divorce, unless the man exceedingly abuses her physically and emotionally to the point of killing her.

Men don’t equate sex with love. A man can have sex with another woman but still doesn’t love her. That’s why women who fell in love with married men find it difficult to find happiness in those relationships as they are just being used by those married men. But once a married woman starts sleeping with you, she can even narrates some hidden secretes concerning her husband and she will even tell you why she hates him (her husband). She can even accept poison from you to eliminate her husband.
For men, sex and love are two different things. But for women, sex and love are one and the same things. For men, sex comes first before love (infatuation), but for women love comes first before sex (true love). Therefore, once your woman starts having sex with another man/men, her love shifts from you to that man and she can even start giving that man the best food and love than she gives you.
The fact that your man is cheating on you doesn’t mean he has stopped loving you. But I can’t say the same for women. Once a woman starts cheating on you, she has fallen for someone else and you people will never live the same again. And she can even kill her husband once she starts cheating on him.
If your wife starts cheating, you should be a lucky man not to die in less than 10 years. It has been found that 95% of women who cheat wish their husbands dead. That is the main reason why it is dangerous for a man to continue staying with a wife who cheats on him. That is why is now encouraged everywhere in the world including in the Bible, for a man to divorce his wife only once she starts cheating on him. Cheating women are more deadly to husbands than ordinarily criminals or weapons. There are many cheating women in the world who invite criminals to break into her house at night only to come and eliminate her man and police officers plus relatives can’t detect this as the same woman tend to moan more than any person at the funeral so as to attract sympathy and hide her evil acts.

That’s why psychologists discourage women,more than men, from cheating. Women can’t handle the emotional conflict that comes with cheating.

That’s the reason an observant and intelligent man will notice that his wife has started cheating on him once he starts doing it because most women tend to lose respect to their husbands and try to avoid sex with them in most times.
Cheating Women will even be giving excuses for not wanting to have sex with their husbands. Study has revealed that nearly 90% of women who cheat find it hard to have enjoyable sex with their husbands, again an intelligent man will detect this once his wife’s behavior with regard to sex start changing. But a dull man can never detect this and always tolerate fake excuses from his cheating wife until he is completely eliminated.
Women can’t cheat on their partners with people they are not emotionally involved with. They attach emotions to everything. That’s why you can’t always trust their judgment. When a joke is cracked,most women who laugh are not laughing because the joke is funny but because they like the person who cracked the joke. If they don’t like you, no matter how funny your joke may be, they won’t laugh, but when a man laughs at a joke, it’s because the joke is funny, not because he likes the comedian. Men are not always sentimental and emotionally involved.
Study has shown that every relationship begins to flounder once a woman starts cheating. There are many men who cheat on their partners but still show them true love. But it is very hard to find a relationship in which a woman is cheating and things still remain the same.
I repeat, nearly 100% of cheating women wish their husbands quick death or divorce to have unlimited sex freedom while nearly 100% of cheating men can’t wish their wives quick death or divorce. That is why most men cant allow their wives to be physically or verbally abused by their girlfriends. Men will always stand for their wives.
A man would cheat but still love and respect his wife, but the opposite is true with cheating women. Once your wife starts sleeping with other men/man, just know that your death is near.

R.M – Professor of Psychology
Ohio State University – USA

Well this was my response ” As for me, permit me to use the word *bullshit* why would you even need to cheat? Is your wife or girlfriend not enough for you? Why justify yourself in the name of *you can have sex without falling in love or being in love with the woman * I think men just need to grow up and stop giving excuses like this.. It’s true that no one is a saint but don’t leave in continuous mistake and still have the guts to give stupid excuses. 

It can be true that women equate sex with emotions. That’s why it’s advised that you don’t mess with a woman’s heart. I don’t subscribe to cheating, I don’t care what the reason was… As much as being faithful is something hard for some people to do, we all just have to keep trying to make our marriages and relationship more exciting every day…

I know we are entitled to our opinion but it baffles me why a man would cheat. Does he think telling his partner “it was just sex, makes it better or less hurtful?” A lot of woman have lost their lives not just their homes to their husband unfaithfulness.. Most men think treating your wife as a queen while you keep a mistress would make it look nice “she won’t know they would say to themselves” It’s just sex,  is the beginning of a disaster in marriage.. I know of a woman who almost ran mad as a result of her husband infidelity… It started with *just sex* until the mistress decided to get pregnant… Right now this woman leaves on constant medication just to be a little balanced psychologically. 

A friend of mine Valeria, shared her view on the above post “A cheat is a cheat irrespective of whatever you qualify it with… if you cheat as a man and tell me you still love me then you shouldn’t be Angry when I cheat and plot to kill you… there should never be a reason to cheat… be repentant when you cheat and ask for forgiveness… don’t come kneel before me and tell me you were not emotionally attached to her…. without being a cheat I can sue my husband for divorce if I see we have lost it… not because I want to run to another man… but because I dnt want to be lied to… I dnt want to loose my peace because of a husband… that’s why women die in marriage because of this notion that their husband loves them but cheats because he’s a man….”

To me, instead of becoming a cheat, why not spiece up your marriage. If your problem is the sex, teach your partner whst ever you think can make it better… Talk about things, go on dates, do fun and exciting things with your partner…… If you haven’t read or have forgotten about my post on “How to keep your love live alive after having children”, go back and read it.. You would learn a lot. No one is above learning. Don’t let someone else destroy your family.. 
Let’s hear your take on this…… 

It’s all about you……..Never forget that. 

Relationship

I WOULD DRAG YOU TO THE ALTER. 

It’s another Saturday. A day for weddings. A day to celebrate love, a day to celebrate the beginning of a great union. I remember having this topic in mind without really knowing what to write. I need a painting that depicts this topic I said to Jake Solo. Can you please help me? I asked because I knew what his capable of doing. He sent me the first and it was ok. But when he sent me this particular one, I fell in love with it. Not just because it was beautiful and different, but because you can understand the topic just from the picture….. Thanks again Jake for this. 

So, I know I talk about marriage a lot for a single lady like me. Maybe because I do want to get married and real soon. Marriage is something every mature lady wants. Well not just matured. Let’s just say most ladies want. To an extent, I think our mothers want it more than we do. 

About the topic, it came to my mind when I was thinking to what extent can a lady go just to get married.. 

A friend was lamenting on how marriage is beginning to sound like an anthem in her house. I have a boyfriend she said and I love him. Well for now, his really not ready and I don’t want to marry without love if not, I could have married one of the other men asking for my hand in marriage. I tried telling him that we can get married while we sought ourselves financially. Maybe you should give him time I advised. I jokingly told him I literally would drug and take him to the alter if it’s possible she said. Well I laughed over it as I tried to picture how possible that would…. 

I have heard and seen different things women do just to answer a married woman. Someone I know, met a man that lives “abroad” on Facebook and before you say Jack, he came back and married her. She hasn’t seen her husband for years although they talk on phone and he sends her money… Is that one part of being married? To me, she’s single with a ring. 

Another story is about a matured psychologist who was having sex with her patient knowing full well he was in a relationship, intentionally got pregnant and rushed to tell his family so that he would be pressured into marrying her. She knows the man in question doesn’t love her. She knew it was just sex but she took the risk. Did they get married? Yes. But today they are divorced. 

For those in the western world who can do anything I mean anything for love. Not that we in Africa don’t love, but it’s just that we have a limit to that. Am sure  we have heard and watched movies where someone’s  dying wish can be that you marry him or her before him/her dies and they do. Yes like I said, Western world…. It might happen but not here. So if that’s your plan to drag him to the alter, then it’s not going to work… You have to have a good plan. 

For some people, it works out fine. But for the unlucky ones, hmm!. I don’t know how many of us are familiar with  December marriage. If you haven’t, let me explain a little. So you know when is the month of December, most of the big guys leaving abroad, come back with their big cars, money and probably must’ve had a magnificent structure in the village. Upon their return, it becomes a period of wedding and weddings. Be it planned or unplanned. For most ladies this is their period of getting married. Whether you are in a relationship with another or not. 

My question is to what extent can you go just to drag him to the alter. For me, I really can’t tell. God knows I will never go diabolical on him. Neither will I get pregnant just to tie him down. I know I would try to wait. I would pray for patience. But when it begins to look like the wait is taking forever, I would give you the talk and say good bye. This leads to another question. When exactly do you know it’s time to stop waiting? This is an open class and I would appreciate it if you answer this question.

I have another question. So you know how you have been giving him different signals about getting married and his asking you to give him more time or pretending not to be getting them, how do you realize you are beginning to nag him about the subject? 

If I was crazy, I would probably act like my friend suggested and drag him up to the alter… What would you do if you had a crazy side and was tired of waiting……. 

Don’t spoil the fun.. Let’s talk about the craziest things we think we can do just to get to that alter. 

It’s all about you…. Never forget that. 

Relationship

WHISPER OF LOVE

Good day everyone.. Today’s write up is going to be about love.. It’s been awhile we talked about love.

You remember my friend Jake Solo? The one person who freely gives me his paintings for my write ups… So he did this amazing painting on love while I gave it the title whisper of love”. When he posted this painting and the write up you would see below, it got me. Not just because the painting was beautiful but because everyone loves love.. Who doesn’t enjoy a love movie that ends well and we are like “that’s so nice” . Some of us cry watching such a movie. Some of us see pictures of people we feel are so much in love and we go, “they are so cute together”. 

“It’s a Beautiful and lovely painting and it’s all about Love because I need you to love me a little louder today .. lol let’s talk Love and affection.perhaps the feeling we experience when in love represent a normal state; being in love shows a person who should be. Love can be magic.But sometimes,magic is just an illusion and to love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.Brace yourselves guys,Let me do it my way.. yes my way:

Love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you…I have completely fallen for you,and you’re almost every thought in between,wrapped my hands around your warm embrace as I plant a soft kiss while I melt in your mouth.I often tell myself we could be more than just friends. Baby,I live in misery when you’re not around, and you know my heart speak to yours like lovers do.With closed eyes I feel you near me, just as I felt your soul delighted with excitement. I want to see a smile on your face, to light up the room with your warm embrace..  isn’t that beautiful? Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them. Let’s caption this beautiful piece in your own #word”. 

A lot of people have their opinion on what this painting represent to them. We all have our opinion on what love means to us… For all those married men out there, when last did you whisper to her ears how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. For all married women out there, if he doesn’t do it teach him by example. Tell him how much he means to you.. For those of us in a relationship and yet to be married, does he tell you those words you have been dying to hear? Do you know how much you mean to each other?

According to Ik Ogbonna the actor who said this on his anniversary “you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone”. Well that’s the truth. If you don’t know how to love yourself, you can’t love another. You can’t give what you don’t have. And it’s when you don’t have it, that you start demanding…. Love comes naturally. It grows through nurture. You need to wake up each day finding more reasons why you love your partner.

For me this is what I have to say about the painting:

“I love you not just because i’m in  love with you. I love you because I have grown to love you. I love you because you are my everything. My strength, my friend my helper, my lady and my Lover….. 

The exact words he whispered to her ears before kissing her..”

Let’s hear what you think he whispered in to her ears….. For all the men reading, we would like to know what you would love to tell her everyday. And for all  the women and ladies out there, tell me what you would expect him to say to you as he holds you and pulls you into his arms….. #WHODOESN’TLOVELOVE#

It’s all about you…….never forget that. 


Relationship

IS AGE REALLY BUT A NUMBER IN AFRICA? 

It’s yet another write up on love, but this time I would like to talk about age and the role it plays in our relationships as Africans especially as Nigerians.

Meanwhile, kudos to Jake Solo on this wonderful painting. He is a  great painter with passion. Jake am sorry we had a different topic for this but like I told you I would let the painting speak to me in regards to the topic. Hope you forgive me..

Back to our topic. I know most times, we easily believe that “AGE IS BUT A NUMBER”. Well I do or should I say i do now but if you had asked me years ago, I wouldn’t see it the way I see it now. Back then I had a different view as regards to age and relationship. 

Well so many years ago, when people hear a lady in a relationship or marriage is older than the man, it would be a big issue. The woman would be termed old and desperate for a man and would be called a cougar in most cases (Cougar meaning- an older woman seeking a sexual relationship with a younger man) or his mother if people want to mock her. The man would be seen as a fool, desperate for money, charmed and would never be in charge of the family. 

Nowadays, it’s gradually been accepted although majorly by the “Western” people. I would have said some educatated Africans taking Nigeria as my reference point, are beginning to accept this but just a very few. Some are OK with it if they are not Nigerians (the couple in question). 

I was in a car with an accountant and this topic came up. “Why would he want to marry a lady older than him even if it’s just with a year” he said. If they where white, it could’ve made sense. He continued. 

I was disappointed at him… I wondered how it could’ve made a difference. Was it just about the colour of our skin or was I missing something? “I don’t understand I said to him”. 

“Well, our way of reasoning as blacks are different. You know women (African women), they would want to be in charge and before you know, they won’t respect the man again.” He said

To me though, I think it just depends on the individual. It shouldn’t be something you have to generalise. Gabriella Union is older than her husband with 10 years and she still respects him and they are living happy. Our wonderful dancer Kaffy, is also a good example. To mention but a few. 

 Am not disputing the fact that there might be issues, yes there will just like every other marriage where the man is older.. I just feel we need to stop looking at age as a criteria for a failed marriage. 

When I was growing up, I always wanted my husband to be older than me for reasons I couldn’t understand. Maybe because I felt that was the right thing or maybe the socially accepted thing. But with time, I have grown to see that it doesn’t really matter. What exactly is the right thing now adays? If you keep on doing everything because it’s the right thing, you might keep loosing important things or important people. Don’t get me wrong, right is good but you need to know when right becomes wrong. 

I asked my colleague Mr. T, can you marry a lady older than you? 

“Well I can if she has money and enough property” (laughs as he answers). I was joking he added. I can only marry a lady who is older than me with just one year or younger than me with just one. Am a plus or minus one kind of man. I really don’t like much age difference between me and my woman. I don’t want to marry my grandmother.” This was his opinion… 

I asked another colleague of mine Mr. M, if he can marry a lady older than him. He didn’t see it as an issue. “Yes” he said. 

I went further to say what’s the age bracket?  “5-8” is fine. 10 is too much. He said. According to him, “women age quickly so I wouldn’t want that much gap”.

I asked two of my male friends the same question. Robert said “he doesn’t mind dating and marrying an older woman even if she is 10 years older as long as he loves her and she is good looking”.

Miles on the other hand, can’t marry a lady 5 years older than him. When asked if he would tell his parents how old she was, he insisted it doesn’t matter and that they don’t need to know. “But you know love doesn’t exist if she is old and poor” He Said 

A Facebook friend I met said he can’t date or Marry a lady older than him because  it’s just not right. Mr James a friend said it’s ok but it’s not our tradition. It’s just not part of us. We as Nigerians don’t really do things that way. My old friend Mr K, said he can never try it. According to him marrying his ex wife who was older was the beginning of his trouble. But if you ask me, I don’t think age was the problem. He was just not in love with her. 

I wasn’t able to ask for the opinion of most parents on this topic. I was only able to hear my mother’s opinion. According to my mum, she doesn’t mind if my brother marries an older lady as long as she is a good person and respectful. “If she doesn’t give my son problem, then she’s good for me”.

Some people actually think age is a sign of maturity but it really isn’t. Maturity is from within. The way you act, the way you talk reason and respond to things, all amounts to your level of maturity. 

It’s actually OK to say age doesn’t matter but there are situation were dating a younger guy might seem like a problem. Situations like :

Due to the ladies age, settling down would be a priority to her. Age might become a problem despite the love when the man in question is not ready to settle down. Maybe because he feels his not financially ready(wants to be  financially independent) , or his just too young to be married and you should wait a while for him. Another scenero might be when the lady wants to start having children and his not ready. Could be because he sees children as more responsibility or he feels he wants to travel the world with just you. Without having you divide your love and attention. Actually this last point might sound funny coming from a Nigerian like me, but trust me not every man wants Childern immediately he gets married. A friend once said, I would like to have my wife alone for awhile before babies start coming….. “I want just us” is that took much to ask? 

For a Nigerian girl like me, it’s not too easy dating a younger man. You have a nice day lot to consider. Your age (am I getting old),  when will he ever be ready, am I doing the right thing, can I wait for him. When his finally ready, would he still want me, can I face his family knowing am older? 

When I look at this painting, I see two people in love a man and a woman. But this time, this woman is intending to take walk out of the relationship. Not because he cheated, not because she doesn’t love him. But because she wants to get married now… She feels maybe it’s time I let go and stop waiting. Maybe it’s time I allow myself get interested in others who  wants to marry me. In the other hand, I see a heart broken young man. A man truly in love wishing if only she can wait a little. If only she knows am doing my best just to be with her.. When it comes to love, although it sounds so easy, it’s actually complicated the same way it’s a beautiful thing…. 

When it comes to the issue of age and relationship, it can never be analyzed fully. Except if the parties involved are stronger matured, to an extent financially independent to get to the next stage in life.. It’s never going to be easy but you just have to be strong and determined knowing what exactly you want. 

To our ladies and men out there, can you marry or date a man/woman  younger(for the women) and older for the (men)  than you. If yes how young? (1,2,3,4 or more age difference).. For all the men who can help would you mind telling your family how old she is? If you can’t date/Marry someone older than you as a man and younger than you as a woman, please can you tell us your reasons? 

No matter what your answer to my question is, 

It’s all about you…..never forget that.